The ER

I want to be an ER doc. Why? I think they define what it means to be a generalist...and I love that. Knowing a good bit about a lot is what medicine is all about to me. I don't want to be one of those doctors that is so specialized they only do one thing. God Bless those people.

There's a lot of druggies in the ER. They're always asking for pills while putting on their best game face. I imagine I won't give out a single pain pill except when absolutely necessary. But then again...there will be nights when I'm in a good mood and give pain meds to everyone just because.

One time I saw a drunk guy kick a pregnant nurse when I was shadowing

My Kind of Doctor

Dr P: “How do you know a woman is smarter than a cow?”
Me: “I dunno?”
Dr P: “A woman doesn’t shit herself when you squeeze her tits.”

My hero. This was the teacher from gross anatomy lab that would ask us what X body part was and then go and quiz the group next to us on the stuff we told him. He's also been sued so many times that all he can now do is teach.

Dr P: "What's the biggest vein in a girl's mouth?"
Me: "No clue Doc"
Dr P: "Dorsal vein of the penis"

Touch

At one point in my first year, I realized that the only other person I touched was the cadaver I was also cutting on. It was a pretty big disappointment and I'm glad I don't have to go through that hell again.

First Patient

So they make us go through the hospital randomly and ask people if we can do physical exams on them. Way to break the ice, right? Well, I go with another med student to the wards and a nurse tells me this patient will be a good one. She has this grin on her face...foreshadowing anyone?

I go in, introduce myself, and she gives me the thumbs up. So to start chatting it up she says that she's a dancer. I realize 2 seconds later that she's a stripper. I still giggle at the word "boob" and "vagina" so I'm not exactly the most mature person in the world. Also, she was really skanky. Like dirty skanky...she could have been pretty if she made herself up, but for now she was really uggo.

I ask her what she's in the hospital for, and she says she was shooting up heroine and got a big abscess. Wow. I've lived a pretty sheltered life so being with a stripper and druggy all at the same time is kind of a rush.

This patient has the wackiest history I've ever heard of. She thinks her mom poisoned her dad and paid off the autopsy people to not discover it. She does like 4 different kind of drugs. And she was my age. And she has a 8 year old kid. I'm 23 years old. Do the math.

I started with the physical exam and when I was checking her eyes (being very close), she touches my arm and says "I can show you things." Okay so it didn't register with me at first but it did with my friend who was in the room. When we came out of the room, it hit me. This skank stripper was hitting on me.

I then had to present the patient to an attending, which is actually a big deal to a medical student. As I'm presenting and going through the physical exam, she's touching my arm her or stroking my hand there. This time it's registering. I'm going blood red. The other 3 medical students (now they are girls) are giggling. My hands start to shake. I can't think straight. The attending tells me to just stop and I felt like a failure.

I get out and the attending starts laughing at me. So much for my first patient encounter. She later came and asked me for a ride home because she gave her taxi fair to the lunch lady as a tip.

Doombolt

I play this RPG (role playing game) from a while back. It's called a MUD and it's basically a text version of World of Warcraft. Basically, you have to use your imagination a lot. I play this character that is akin to a Magician or Warlock. The most powerful spell that this "mage" has is called the doombolt.

So med students have to do rectal exams as part of their "initiation" into the medical profession. It's kind of like delivering a baby...but not as glorious. As I inserted my finger into an old dude's asshole, I quietly whispered "Doombolt" to ingrain into my mind the total ownage I was going to bestow on him. Then my hand starting to quake from the insane pressure required inserting my finger into this guy's pooper.

After the guy left, the doctor looked at me and called the patient a "retard."

Floppy

One day in gross anatomy lab I saw a girl flopping around a dead guy's penis. It had a "flexi-rod" in it...and I actually got kind of turned on. Must have been a porno or something

First Quiz

After countless hours of studying for what should just be a “quiz,” I’ve met been met with the full force of the Professor Punch. Looks like medical school is going to be hard and probably kick my ass. Who would have guessed it?

The day started early like every day. I hate waking up before 11 am. I woke up an hour early (5:30 AM) because I wanted to quickly review the material before the actual quiz. Instead, I watched the hilarious sitcom Becker. I must have decided subconsciously that watching a tv show about a fake doctor was more important than learning to be a real doctor. No regrets there.

So I get to class and take this quiz. Most of the questions are 2nd and 3rd order, meaning they’ll show you a muscle and then say where does the nerve arise that innervates this muscle. It’s a great way to incorporate information (if you know it) and it’s probably the best way to raise future doctors. From my experience, usually nothing in medicine is straight up.

After getting done with the quiz everyone is moaning and groaning and bitching about it, but I just dont want to hear it. I left the class and went down to the student lounge. Everyone else, and I mean everyone, went straight to the library to study for our quiz in Histology this Thursday. I ate a nice healthy breakfast from the cafeteria and started to reflect. Medical school is going to be a marathon rather than a series of short to long sprints. I enjoyed the time off and watched people seem to already stress out.

It’s late in the afternoon now, and we were supposed to get our scores a while back but the professor emailed us saying he was stuck in a meeting. Oh well. I need to start on my next marathon, the studying of this histology. This is going to be a long 2 years. After that, the abuse that is my education will be in the clinical setting. It’s going to be a very long 2 years, then 2 more, then 3-5 more. Ugh.

On a sidenote, a friend of mine said that after reading my gross anatomy lab post, he has decided to donate his body to science after his death. Wow. I couldn’t believe I had an influence so great on someone’s life. I suppose that is what it is to be a physician.